It’s been week’s since an original post. I hate this site and I want to leave it, but that process isn’t high on my priority list.
So why am I here now?
Because I feel incredibly empty.
I feel like I’ve poured out without holding back, letting flow as much honesty as I could find in my soul.
The one girl in my life who has relied on me for help in a time of trouble. The only one who has held a solid place in my heart for multiple consecutive years. The one I’ve hopelessly pursued time and time again, in ways both bold and subtle.
I’ve poured out all I can think on her.
She knows everything I’ve felt about her. The despair, the jealousy, the hope, the disappointment.
It’s been happening over the past week, but it came to a head today.
I don’t feel good.
I feel like I’ve just been through a storm, but I don’t know if I’m in the clear or in the eye.
I’ve been stubborn, refusing to see the signs, persisting with hope against hope that one day she will turn. But now I’ve revealed that hope. And it has died.
I feel like I stand naked in my soul before her, showing her things she really didn’t need to see. I feel lost, like a desert traveler who’s discovered a mirage, looking for refreshing water but finding that his search has been in vain.
I feel like my intentions have never been this clear. I’ve revealed my attempts at finding the weak points in her relationship, preparing to blow them apart if I felt they could hurt her.
All the pain I’ve felt for the last three years has been because I wanted to protect and cherish and love this girl forever. But it seems it is not to be.
Now, as I lie in awe of the amount undramatized thoughts and feelings I’ve poured out to her, I find myself wondering what will happen next.
Perhaps I will now move on.
I must move on. If she will not come to me for the long haul, I must free my heart from her grasp.
What if this is the beginning?
The beginning of a new chapter… or the beginning of the last chapter.