Something happened on Sunday, to start things off. I met a friend to teach her how to play Chess. We walked around a lake after, and when we parted I asked her out on a date. I had it on good authority that she couldn’t stop talking about me, and as expected she agreed.
Since then, I’ve been at war with myself over the potential future of the relationship. She’s really nice, and we have things in common. I’m looking forward to a fun date.
The catch, however, is that the other woman in my life, the one who’s been there for three years and turned me down a handful of times, is still there. We still see each other a lot, and I consider her my best friend right now. The feelings I’ve tried to bury are still there, and they rise at every small hope that she and her boyfriend may split. This time, something has happened that has me grasping at hope again. She hasn’t told me what it has caused the change, because the news has not yet been broken. Regardless, I find myself thinking about how much I care about her. I think the fact that I feel the way I do after three years of unreciprocated feeling is absurd. Am I going insane? I don’t know.
Now I’m at a point that I’ve never faced before. I’ve asked a girl out, she said yes, and I have at least enough interest to go through with it. Sometimes I think I’ve been too numbed from three years of pursuit that I won’t be able to love another woman. Sometimes I wish I could just keep the girl I’ve pursued for this long in my life forever.
I feel torn between two realities. On the one hand, there’s what I see: A woman with a boyfriend, in a happy relationship, with a disapproving family member but otherwise stable future, and a woman who I’ve only just met who may be interested in becoming my girlfriend. On the other hand, there’s what I feel: Intense longing and desire for the first woman, fueled by hope that her family’s division could divide her relationship, causing her to turn to her closest guy friend and see him for what he’s been trying to by (that’s me, in case you were wondering), and uncertain feelings of slight, confused interest in another woman who has entered my life.
I’m feeling weird this week. My head and my heart are at war, and I’m losing the battle.
And I hate to lose.