Tag Archives: heartbreak

I attended my first pageant today.

One of my closest friends, the girl I loved, was a contestant. I was there with her family and her boyfriend to show support, although the boyfriend was in a different part of the audience.  I had dressed up as sharp as a tack in a a blue shirt, a black waistcoat, and a grey and black striped tie. I’ve just recently gotten my hair cut, so it was styled the way I like it. I sat about four rows away from the stage and in the center of the audience, and directly behind me was her family.

The experience was interesting, even though she did not win.  

Afterward, though, when I found her, she said that I was the only one she saw in the audience when she came out. Maybe it was the sharp outfit, maybe it was the color of my shirt. Maybe it was just the fact that I’m pretty tall, and I was sitting in front of her family (while her boyfriend was a few rows back and to the right).

This girl, who I’d probably marry if ever given the chance, had spotted me out of the everyone in the crowd and had felt comforted by knowing that at least one of her close friends had shown up as promised.

It breaks my heart sometimes to think about what we could have been. Our story seems like one of those shows where you know two people should be together, but they are paired with others and remain platonic friends.  It brings joy to my wounded heart, though, to know that out of everyone she saw me, all dressed up especially for her on this occasion. Just another instance that shows how much I still care.

I think I’ll go eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s now.


The Shadow Within

When you love someone, what do you do when they don’t love you back? You try everything, anything to win them, refusing to take no for an answer. You try to fall for someone else, but that one piece of your heart refuses to give up. Time passes, as you try to deal with the pain, as your attempts earn rejection time and time again. In their mind you may be a friend, but not that kind of friend. Even though there exists nothing between you, your heart becomes attached to them as if there were. Then, when the discussion finally comes, and a moment of desperation reveals the pure, unspoken, and earnest truth, an ultimate rejection crashes down, smashing the last rays of hope for a brighter future. With nothing there to hold it back, the dark cloud descends into your heart. Depression? No, nor bitterness. At first you hold strong, willing the dam to hold with all your courage and willpower. Finally though, something snaps. A memory triggers the floodgates, and the defenses come crashing down. The wave passes, but it leaves a steady, clouded stream in your heart. The face that once smiled constantly now must force the flag to fly high and bright. The observant ones tell when you have forgotten to hold your flag high. You gaze off in thought and recollection, not realizing the shadow that has fallen over your face. For the shadow has become a constant companion, ready to fill the vacancy left by your forgotten smile. And you wonder, when will the light radiate once more from your face?