Tag Archives: personal

Since Ferguson happened, the doxxing and now hacking that has occurred is making me really want to nuke my blog and leave this site forever.

Of course, then my pride kicks in and tells me that I would be letting them win by running away… Grr

It’s Annoying having an Imagination

I’m sitting at school trying to study, on the second floor of a building, and all I can think about is what would happen if the woman I’ve loved were attacked in front of me right were I am. My mind plunges me into fantasy, where I play out the scenario.

He’s grabbing her, holding her. I fly out of my seat to help. What do I do? Punch the bastard? Sneak up and wrap my arm around his neck? Maybe I’ll offer to snap his spine or flip him over the balcony to the ground floor. Maybe this entices him to let her go, and I release him. I ask her if she’s hurt, and when I see her bruises I am consumed with anger. I sprint after the retreating villain, tackling him and using my speed to bring him down. At which point he gets beat the fuck down, as all of my raw emotion is channeled through my muscles.

Then I snap back to reality. I’m alone, and this would probably never happen. Nonetheless, my imagination has filled my heart with rage. Annoying when you’re trying to study.

I’m feeling Weird This Week

Something happened on Sunday, to start things off. I met a friend to teach her how to play Chess. We walked around a lake after, and when we parted I asked her out on a date. I had it on good authority that she couldn’t stop talking about me, and as expected she agreed. 

Since then, I’ve been at war with myself over the potential future of the relationship. She’s really nice, and we have things in common. I’m looking forward to a fun date.

The catch, however, is that the other woman in my life, the one who’s been there for three years and turned me down a handful of times, is still there. We still see each other a lot, and I consider her my best friend right now. The feelings I’ve tried to bury are still there, and they rise at every small hope that she and her boyfriend may split. This time, something has happened that has me grasping at hope again. She hasn’t told me what it has caused the change, because the news has not yet been broken. Regardless, I find myself thinking about how much I care about her. I think the fact that I feel the way I do after three years of unreciprocated feeling is absurd. Am I going insane? I don’t know.

Now I’m at a point that I’ve never faced before. I’ve asked a girl out, she said yes, and I have at least enough interest to go through with it. Sometimes I think I’ve been too numbed from three years of pursuit that I won’t be able to love another woman. Sometimes I wish I could just keep the girl I’ve pursued for this long in my life forever. 

I feel torn between two realities. On the one hand, there’s what I see: A woman with a boyfriend, in a happy relationship, with a disapproving family member but otherwise stable future, and a woman who I’ve only just met who may be interested in becoming my girlfriend. On the other hand, there’s what I feel: Intense longing and desire for the first woman, fueled by hope that her family’s division could divide her relationship, causing her to turn to her closest guy friend and see him for what he’s been trying to by (that’s me, in case you were wondering), and uncertain feelings of slight, confused interest in another woman who has entered my life.

I’m feeling weird this week. My head and my heart are at war, and I’m losing the battle.

And I hate to lose.

Today I missed an opportunity. Like, I literally passed it by. 

I was at a Starbucks this morning (it’s in a mall, btw), and as I was wrapping up this nice-looking young woman enters and starts to order coffee. I noticed that she reminded me of someone I knew, but I didn’t know her. I thought she was kinda cute though. I packed up and left at about the same time she did, and I ran an errand in the mall. When I left the store, I found myself walking along the length of the mall behind her. My strides were longer, and I easily caught up to her, thinking all the while that maybe I should try and make conversation. It was 10:00 in the morning, and she was wandering the mall by herself. Odd, but in a good way. But I didn’t do it. I guess I didn’t want to be a creep or anything. I ended up walking past her and then splitting off to return to my car.

Honestly, I’m disappointed in myself. There’s no good reason why I shouldn’t have tried to say hello, but I let a perfectly good opportunity slip by. I think I’ve found my 2015 New Year’s resolution, though:

In every month, I’m going to ask at least one girl out on a date, with the goal of having a date every month. During the year in which I turn 21, I will break my awkward self and become the confident, sexy man that will make everyone who ever rejected me wonder “why the hell why?”

That’s my goal.