Tag Archives: relationships

I’m feeling Weird This Week

Something happened on Sunday, to start things off. I met a friend to teach her how to play Chess. We walked around a lake after, and when we parted I asked her out on a date. I had it on good authority that she couldn’t stop talking about me, and as expected she agreed. 

Since then, I’ve been at war with myself over the potential future of the relationship. She’s really nice, and we have things in common. I’m looking forward to a fun date.

The catch, however, is that the other woman in my life, the one who’s been there for three years and turned me down a handful of times, is still there. We still see each other a lot, and I consider her my best friend right now. The feelings I’ve tried to bury are still there, and they rise at every small hope that she and her boyfriend may split. This time, something has happened that has me grasping at hope again. She hasn’t told me what it has caused the change, because the news has not yet been broken. Regardless, I find myself thinking about how much I care about her. I think the fact that I feel the way I do after three years of unreciprocated feeling is absurd. Am I going insane? I don’t know.

Now I’m at a point that I’ve never faced before. I’ve asked a girl out, she said yes, and I have at least enough interest to go through with it. Sometimes I think I’ve been too numbed from three years of pursuit that I won’t be able to love another woman. Sometimes I wish I could just keep the girl I’ve pursued for this long in my life forever. 

I feel torn between two realities. On the one hand, there’s what I see: A woman with a boyfriend, in a happy relationship, with a disapproving family member but otherwise stable future, and a woman who I’ve only just met who may be interested in becoming my girlfriend. On the other hand, there’s what I feel: Intense longing and desire for the first woman, fueled by hope that her family’s division could divide her relationship, causing her to turn to her closest guy friend and see him for what he’s been trying to by (that’s me, in case you were wondering), and uncertain feelings of slight, confused interest in another woman who has entered my life.

I’m feeling weird this week. My head and my heart are at war, and I’m losing the battle.

And I hate to lose.

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What do I want out of a relationship?

I want an anchor. I want inspiration. I want peace.

In my mind, I am mighty. I can do anything, could do everything. I will attempt it all, pulling myself apart as I stretch myself thin. I will become overwhelmed, run down, stressed out of my mind at the thought of letting people down.

It used to be that I was all the inspiration I needed. I could pull myself up, do the impossible. My confidence was overflowing, and I shared it with others.

Now, as I find myself facing a lifetime of decisions, with many new people on which I rely for support of some type, I find myself second-guessing my confidence. Wondering if, perhaps, I’ve taken on too much. I feel disorganized, scatterbrained, low on energy, and almost in over my head. 

I hope one day she comes along. The one who will balance out my lofty visions of ability with grounded reason. The one who will gently pull me out of my nightmares, reminding me that everything is okay. The one I can fall back on to restore my fleeting sanity and give rest to my mind.

I know she’s out there. She has to be. I pray I find her soon.

I’m just soooooo awkward….whyyyyy? =.=;

Let me tell you a secret.

I was awkward once too.  

In some ways I still am, but for the most part I’ve been able to achieve ‘cool guy’ status.  I am doing what I can to be in control, and I’m no longer unable to converse with girls.

But this has come at somewhat of a cost.

My new personality feels aloof, like I don’t let myself care enough about people to become close.  Only a couple people in my life are exceptions to this.

It’s not fun being awkward, I’ll agree wholeheartedly with that.  But I can say that being fun and being yourself is better than turning yourself into something you’re not meant to be.  Hang onto your emotions while you still can.

In case anyone was curious…

All that talk about asking a girl out?  Well, I did it. Kinda.  

I mean, here’s how it went down: Today was the last instruction day of the class we both attend.  We got out of there, and as soon as we left the building I had to go a different way, so I got her attention.  As soon as I had it though, everything in my head froze (just like the air around us, and the dusting of snow on the ground).  I had almost no grasp of what I wanted to say without sounding like a 12-year old noob like I feel around girls sometimes, and practically all the phrases and words and smoothness I’d been building up for the past two days just vaporized.  

I started with the ‘I know we don’t know each other too well, but…’ line, and then I essentially asked her if she wanted to hang out (I think I said hang out, and I think I said ‘later’).  She thought I meant later today, but she had plans with other friends and I had to work, so I clarified with ‘sometime during this month, during winter break’.  I think I muttered something about bowling and if she liked to bowl.  She was in a hurry to leave, so she told me to text her (we’d exchanged numbers weeks ago) and I said I would, so we parted ways.

I walked away, didn’t look back, then a moment later gave myself a satisfying facepalm.  My URL is FlyingOnConfidence, but today I feel like I performed with anything but.  I don’t even know if she thinks I was asking her on a date or just ‘hanging out’ (and this is the nice, Christian girl who has a lot of guy friends she just hangs with, her “brothers”), and thinking back now I kinda hope that she didn’t see me slap my forehead as I walked away… but at least I have an opening now, and my nerves are greatly diminished.  I mean, I held out my hand several times during the morning and saw it quiver, I was so stressed that sometimes I had to focus on just breathing.

So that was my morning.  It was insane, and I feel like I made a complete fool out of myself, but I’m planning on getting back to her and setting up something, be it a date or just hanging out.  I’m interested in discussion of you have anything to contribute!  

And that is the story of the first time I actually tried to ask a girl out.

Yesterday I told the girl I fell in love with, the girl who broke my heart and chose another man, that I was going to ask another girl out.  Movin’ on, ya know… would accept her if she changed her mind, but there’s no use in dwelling on the unlikely.  Didn’t feel great, but I’ve hurt myself worse over her before.

Kim Possible – discovered this awesome show almost a year ago, still love it.
Crime-fighting teens and hilarious villains? Cool, but not the coolest part.
I’ll tell you what is, though.
The absolute best part of this series was the relationships. Kim’s healthy relationship with her parents, and with the ever-reliable Wade. Ron’s relationship with his naked mole rat buddy, Rufus, who was always there to help his friends out of a difficult situation. And, most importantly, Kim and Ron’s romantic relationship. Throughout the series you would see one or the other chasing after some other guy/girl, and you could see and feel their jealousy and heartache, and you couldn’t help but almost burst into joyful tears when they finally got together, and stayed together through the graduation episode.
It made me long for a relationship that strong, that true.
That is why I loved this show.
And you know, deep down, that this is why you loved it, too.